Iqbal Survé: the attack of the ‘thick white substance’!

It’s tough being a media mogul. The marathon schmoozing sessions, the hanging about in the wings in drafty halls at dreary talk fests like Davos, and the endless glad-handing and photocalls at BRICs beanos.

But this time it was different!

Top newspaper czar Dr Iqbal Survé has been on the receiving end of a bizarre “attack”. But happily top politicians are rallying to condemn the wickedness and top cops are investigating, according to an IOL report last week by top Indy hacks Sifiso Mahlangu, Samkelo Mtshali, Siyabonga Mkhwanazi, Aziz Hartley and Siyavuya Mzantsi. (They should have got the sports and racing page staff to help out too. – Ed

Iqbal Survé
TOUGH AT THE TOP: Dr Iqbal Survé at the World Economic Forum on Africa in Cape Town last year. Spare a thought for the tycoon – when he’s are not putting in the hard yards at important meetings, folks are fiddling with his ride. Picture: World Economic Forum/ Greg Beadle/Flickr

Dreamy

Readers who take the time to follow these things, will know that Doc Survé (as he is known to his admirers) received a text message last month, in the early hours of the morning.  

When the Doc had woken from his deep dream of peace, he put on his specs and turned on his trusty iPhone 11 Pro Max™. 

Holding the hi-tech, feature-rich device with a sensitive surgeon’s grip as its Super Retina XDR OLED display flickered into life, the highly-qualified Cape Town-based businessman and philanthropist, who counts world leaders among his confidants, became increasingly alarmed as he read the message. (Cut to the chase, and stop already with this purple prose! – Ed)

“The message alerted him that someone had been sent to tamper with his vehicle’s brakes” related the newspaper report, breathlessly.

It was time for action.

DIGITAL FIRST, PRINT BEST: An early-hours text has sparked drama in the Survé household. To find out how you can buy a handsome device like this one, as used by real-life media moguls, visit Dr Survé’s plucky e-commerce portal, Loot.
Iqbal Surve
A CAR FOR A CZAR?: Fiends had their hands on a car very much like this lovely Datsun 160Z Sports Coupe, used to chauffeur Dr Iqbal Survé. A Weak in the News Readers will of course notice that this particular car has the L16 motor as per the 160U SSS, and is fitted with high performance camshaft and twin Hitachi side-draught carburettors based on the British SU type carburettor. Disclaimer: Dr Survé’s car may not have had the same high level of specifications. Picture: Courtesy of Lee-Ann Vigus – www.lvstar.co.za & www.160z.co.za/Wikimedia Commons

You can with a Nissan

Doc sent his chauffeur down to check on his top-of-the-range Datsun160Z Sports Coupe. (Note to subs: Please confirm this is indeed the right vehicle, and not perhaps a Mercedes-Benz.)

Fortunately the man had the good sense to make sure it was “securely parked behind locked gates”.

But strangely, the car was unlocked and the chauffeur noticed a “thick white substance smeared on the driver’s headrest”.

Doc and his men lodged a complaint and made a statement at the Bay Harbour police station.

Western Cape police detectives, flush from their successeses in dealing with Cape Flats drug-gangs and lockdown dodgers, assembled “a team of top Western Cape police detectives” to probe a complaint of intimidation by Survé.

This is heartening development. In an earlier report, the crack Cape Times hacks – while able to establish that police were investigating – struggled to get the straight dope. 

“Unfortunately details thereof cannot be divulged out of respect for the process currently being embarked upon,” a police spokesman told the Cape Times.

Iqbal Surve
A LITTLE DAB: A thick white substance was found on the headrest of Dr Iqbal Survé car. Detectives should not rule out any possibilities at this stage. Picture: Wikimedia Commons.

Come up to the lab

Was it possible that the case was not getting the fast-track treatment it deserved?

Hacks Hartley and Mzantsi thought it best to hedge: “Independent Media understands that the police still have to analyse the white substance and get a forensic report before determining what charges to pursue. It is also understood that the police forensic labs are quite busy at this time.” 

No further details were supplied about the gunge on the car seat and whether it might perhaps contain shaving or hair products.

Still, the plucky Hartley and Mzantsi were able to establish that the “complaints were being probed at the provincial level”. 

But when they pressed the police spokesman on whether the matter had perhaps been brought to the attention of national police, they were told, “Not officially”.    

(Outrage! – Ed)

Before anyone thinks to make light of the “attack”, they should recall that: “In the weeks preceding the incident, Survé said he had received several calls and messages indicating that there could be attempts on his life.”

PAC man

Meanwhile, top politicians, including PAC president Narius Moloto have rallied to Doc’s cause.

“It’s clear there are dark forces that still want to take him (Survé) down as they still want to take down any force for change,” Moloto told IOL’s reporters.

Doc is indeed fortunate that a doughty fellow like Moloto has his back.

Readers who take the time to follow these things, will know that Moloto apparently has the upper hand in the serial struggles for the heart and soul of the Pan Africanist Congress of Azania.

When he isn’t slugging it out with rivals in his own party or keeping tabs on the PAC’s sole member of parliament, Moloto has done sterling work defending Doc and his company against the Public Investment Corporation and others who would wickedly “shut down Independent… the only media black people have left”.   

COME TO THE PARTY: Top PAC man Narius Moloto has rallied to the cause.

Money machine

Also adding his welcome support following the latest outrage against Doc, was Vuyo Zungula, supremo at ATM. (The party with two seats in the National Assembly, not the money dispensing machine. – Ed)

“It’s clear that there is an organised group that wants to physically remove people with alternative views. I would think those were tendencies of the old government. It’s also clear that the powers that be are using the modus operandi as the apartheid government,” said Zungula.

There’s more in a similar vein, including recollections of how Doc fled into a restaurant seven years ago to escape bad men (one armed) who had been following him around. 

Doc had just acquired Independent Media back then, so join the dots! (Perhaps they were subscribers, sick of having their newspapers thrown into the neighbours’ yards. – Ed)

It’s all very exciting and the good news is there’s more to come.

“This is a developing story,” we are told in a concluding note to the IOL story.

Hooray!

Iqbal Survé in more drama
BANNER IMAGE: These are a few of my favourite things… Independent Media chairman and top media czar, Dr Iqbal Survé is at the centre of an exciting new drama. Photo montage: Piqsels/Flickr/ Greg Beadle/ukmbbdyq50/Lee-Ann Vigus – www.lvstar.co.za & www.160z.co.za/Wikimedia Commons/Phil Spase/And All Our Staff

• Breaking news… For more top Doc capers click here to read how top ANC politician Ace Magashule has joined the chorus of cries for the arrest of those involved in the ‘attack’. – By All IOL Staff

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